Don’t Drown In Your Grief: Sadaf’s Glioblastoma Brain Cancer Caregiver Story
Sadaf Chaudhry, a Houston-based lifestyle blogger, accountant and former TV host, experienced the challenges of being a caregiver when her husband, Rehan, was diagnosed with Glioblastoma brain cancer. Through her blog "beingsadaf.com," she shares her perspective on navigating culture and grief after losing her husband to this aggressive disease in 2022 and advocates for broader issues affecting women. We had the opportunity to speak with Sadaf and hear her thoughts on her caregiver experience.
Photo courtesy of Sadaf Chaudhry
Can you share a little about yourself?
My name is Sadaf Chaudhry, widow of Rehan Aslam, who passed away from Glioblastoma Multiforme on July 9, 2022. Together we have one son, Rafae, who is 10. By profession I am in accounting, but my passion has always been to blog about issues that are seen as taboo in South Asian society.
How did you and your husband first meet?
Rehan and I were introduced in March of 2007 through mutual friends.
Can you share a little about your experience as a cancer caregiver, including your relationship with Rehan while supporting his care?
I initially had no idea what GBM was. So finding out that my husband was basically given a "death sentence" destroyed me.
Being a caretaker was the most difficult and traumatic experience of my life. It was not the physical hardship of caring for my husband; it was the emotional abuse that I suffered at the hands of his family. Rehan had always been accepted as a son by my parents. But I was not seen in the same manner on his side.
After Rehan's two surgeries, I became his punching bag. It is not uncommon for Glioblastoma grade 4 patients to lose empathy for their spouses. I turned to his family for help, to better help him; that was a HUGE mistake.
They started manipulating Rehan to turn against my son and I. Rehan's family brainwashed him to leave us. None of them thought about my 10-year-old son. All I could worry about was providing the care Rehan needed.
I would not have survived if I didn't have the support of my immediate family, psychologists, my online GBM wives' grief group and my friends.
As a caretaker, I felt incredibly alone. One feels like one's life doesn't matter. On top of this, I had to deal with rumors spread about me by Rehan's family. There were days that I did not want to live anymore. Their hurtful and destructive behavior also brought suffering to my son and my family.
Our relationship was stressful and difficult from August 2021 to April 2022. My life revolved around him, as it should have. I took him to appointments, talked daily with his physicians and coordinated with his bosses at work. Unfortunately, his mind had been polluted against me. It made a difficult situation into a horrible one.
In April, he asked for my forgiveness, which I immediately granted. I knew that a part of his brain was missing and how desperate he had been for his parents’ love which had been denied most of his life.
I am not here to take shots at his family, but to tell the truth. I can't hide the pain any longer.
Don't take advantage of a brain cancer patient. They ruined a year that could have been beautiful for us.
I try to forget the abuse because my parents taught me to look at the positive rather than the negative in people. However, I realize that it only empowers the abusers. No human should have to go through this.
I have never regretted being his caregiver. I am honored that I was his, and content that I did whatever I could for him.
Here is my advice to a caregiver: you are the most important person in the patient's life. You matter; your mental health matters. Fight for what is yours. Surround yourself with positive people.
If I had listened to others, I wouldn't have been able to serve my husband the way I did and say goodbye to him in the most beautiful way. He passed away knowing that my family and I loved him so much. That means everything in the end.
Did you lean on community or any particular resources as a cancer caregiver?
I depended on my immediate family. My mother was my strength during this time. She stood by me no matter what and would show up at odd hours when I needed her. She was the loving maternal figure Rehan always longed for. My father was my voice of reason. My sister's family completely stepped up as well. My Cincinnati Muslim community was always there to help in any way possible. Their prayers never stopped. They showed up and helped me out with pick ups and drop offs for my son so that he could have some normalcy. I can never repay them for their generosity.
I joined the Glioblastoma Research Organization online and knew little about the disease back then. I also connected with women around the globe going through similar situations through a grief group I found on Facebook, "We are the wives of Glioblastoma patients, and this is our story." It gave me access to doctors from different hospitals and various tools. Please join Facebook groups and online organizations.
As someone who has grown up in dual cultures, can you share any personal experiences or observations about cultural differences in grieving that you have practiced or witnessed?
I do not know if I can attribute this to culture or the abusive nature of his family. I understand that some families still think treating the daughter-in-law as an inferior entity is the cultural norm. We experienced the abuse, whatever the reasoning was. My family always wanted me to take the high road and stay quiet, which was a big mistake.
In our religion, a woman observes her husband's death for four months and ten days. It's a time for the woman to heal and rebuild. During this time I realized, "Why do I have to stay quiet?" Rehan's cancer affected my life just as much as his. My life was connected to him in every way. The difference is that I am still alive. The four months and ten days gave me time to reflect, grieve and try to regain my confidence.
Photo courtesy of Sadaf Chaudhry
How has your experience as a cancer caregiver changed your perspective on life, health and the importance of self-care?
After caregiving, my perspective on life has completely changed. I realized we do not have ultimate control. Health is the most incredible wealth given to us. I appreciate the little things in life: a walk outside, having a job, my son's laughter, the sun shining and waking up every day.
I am finally learning the importance of self-care. Through my trauma, I realized how much I had neglected my health. To be a good caretaker, you need to be healthy yourself. Mental health is so important. I cannot emphasize this enough.
You have mentioned that no one gives you a handbook on how to be a young widow with a young child. What advice or insights can you offer to someone who is experiencing loss, especially if they are also a parent?
Rehan was a VP of a news channel and worked around the clock. We never had 7:00 p.m. dinners, and I was my son's primary caretaker. I always took on contract positions, allowing me the flexibility to care for our family.
Before Rehan's illness, I did worry about our future. But I never thought Rehan would leave this world before me. Afterwards, I was terrified to be alone. I was worried about what would happen to my son without a father.
I advise everyone, especially women, to be independent. It is wise to have a steady source of income. Always stay positive and reflect on your fortune to realize how blessed you are. We don't get to choose our destiny, so always be prepared for the worse.
If you are a parent, don't do what I did (crying in front of your child). Remember that their world has forever changed, and their tests began at a young age. Try to smile and give them some normalcy back in their lives. It is tough, but their happiness depends on your outlook, attitude, etc. Join a grief group. If you have the means, get a therapist for yourself and your child if you haven't already. It isn't easy at all, so please be kind to yourself.
My son joined a grief group offered at his school, The Fernside Center. It helped him connect with other children going through similar situations.
Don't drown in your grief, but stay positive because we all know tomorrow is not promised.
What do you think is the most important thing for people to understand about being a caregiver?
It is emotionally draining to be a caretaker. Caretakers sacrifice everything.
I was Rehan's wife and caretaker. I want people to know this: Treat the partner of a cancer patient as you would like to be treated.
You've mentioned you're involved with the philanthropy scene in your city. Will you continue that work, and has your experience as a cancer caregiver inspired you to give back to that cause?
I have never stopped giving back and will continue to bring attention to Glioblastoma Multiforme. Rehan would have wanted me to do so as well. In a way, one keeps their memory alive. I love this organization. I learned so much from it and realized I wasn't alone. I hope my story helps others understand the complexity of this disease and how it can tear apart families. If I can ever be of help, I am always here. It's God's way of bringing me into others' lives.
Connect with more brave caregivers by reading our testimonials on our blog. Meet David Fitting, a 20-year Glioblastoma survivor here and learn more about how he thrives after three cancer diagnoses and the importance he places on preventative health and wellness.
**Please note that the information provided on The Glioblastoma Research Organization’s blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or the care of a loved one. The opinions expressed by the interviewee are their own and were submitted with the written consent of Sadaf Chaudhry.
